Joni

Isn't it funny how the little things we see or hear in passing, while going through our day, can really make an impression sometimes?  I had one of those moments today and I just have to put it out there... here... whatever. :D  Here's what happened.

I was in the little market in the student center of the University I work at, getting some coffee and snacks for the morning.  Nearby was an older couple, probably in their mid to late 60s.  I overheard an exchange between them that will seem innocuous at first blush, but really wasn't and really made an impression on me in that moment.

Wife: "Did you pay for your coffee?"
Husband: "No."
Wife: "Why not?"
Husband: "I have other things to pay for."

Pretty innocuous, right?  Only the thing was, throughout that exchange (even the very first question) the wife's tone was dripping with contempt, particularly with the implication that her husband was an idiot.  It was incredibly disrespectful.  Adding her tone into the exchange, what I heard was:

Wife: "You idiot, you didn't pay for your coffee, did you?"
Husband: "No."
Wife: "I knew it, you stupid fucker. Why the hell not?"
Husband: "I have other things to pay for."

Granted, there is a lot I don't know about this couple.  It's possible that the man has a history of wandering off without paying for things and the wife long ago surpassed her level of tolerance for that behavior.  It's also possible that she was just having a bad day. 

Regardless of the specific circumstances and possible reasons in this case, it occurred to me that one can hear exchanges like this between couples all the time.  And it's just as often the husband who is being disrespectful, so this isn't a gender thing.

It seems to me that a lot of folks have this idea that being in a committed relationship, particularly a long term marriage, means that certain basic elements of social interaction can be abandoned, like treating our partner with respect.   I do not understand this attitude.  To me, the longer two (or more) people are in a relationship, the more crucial respectful treatment becomes. 

A couple of Robert Heinlein quotes comes to mind.  "Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers." &  "Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear. Honorifics and formal politeness provide lubrication where people rub together. Often the very young, the untraveled, the naïve, the unsophisticated deplore these formalities as "empty," "meaningless," or "dishonest," and scorn to use them. No matter how "pure" their motives, they thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work too well at best."

The way I see it, treating your beloved poorly and disrespectfully will slowly wear away at the positive feelings they have for you, leaving bitterness and resentment in their place.  It's very destructive and creates an unhealthy and unhappy situation.  Lots of people stay in these unhappy relationships, but lots of other people don't. 

The reason this little exchange made such a strong impression on me today is partly because I know I've been guilty of speaking that way to past significant others.  I've also been on the receiving end.  It reminded me , very strongly, that I really don't want to be on either end of that again.  (Those of you who know my current SO may worry that his tendency to poke and use certain types of humor will be problematic, but I don't think it will.  Mostly I think this because there's a very stark difference between the way he uses humor and some of the really mean humor I've experienced/witnessed in the past.  I'm not sure everybody can tell the difference, but my past experience makes it really easy for me to do so.  Plus, he's actually funny.)

My thinking at the moment is that both partners bear some responsibility when it comes to avoiding and correcting this type of behavior.  Firstly, the partner who is doing the insulting should really knock it the fuck off, spend some quality time thinking about why it is they engage in that behavior, and deal with their issues.  Secondly, the partner who is being insulted would do well to put his or her foot down and make it clear that such things are not okay and will not be tolerated.  Should the behavior persist, the wronged partner should (eventually, after having given an appropriate number of chances) DTMFA and move on.  Sometimes, that's the most loving thing you can do, for both of you.

I recognize that this issue is a million times more complex than I'm making it out to be, and simultaneously just exactly that simple.  I don't have the time or the energy to delve into the complexities at the moment, so I'm sticking with the simple view for now.  :D

More than anything, I think it was just a very timely reminder for me.  I know I've been the guilty party at times in the past and I really don't want to do that ever again, especially in my current relationship.  Clearly, it struck me strongly, if it made me need to write about it.

And now I have the Wonderfalls theme song stuck in my head.

Back to work I go.

Singing:
I wonder wonder why the wonder falls
I wonder why the wonder falls on me
I wonder wonder why the wonder falls
With everything I touch and hear and see

Don't you ever think about this life
And how strange it all can seem?
Only way to find the answers out
Is to wake up from its golden dream

But there's one thing really mystifying
It's got me laughing, now it's got me crying (ha-ha-ha-ha)
All my life I will be death defying
'Til I know, 'til I know, 'til I know (really really need to know!)

I haven't posted in a while & my internet connection at home isn't... um... well, it just isn't.  So whilst I work I shall multitask and do this meme that I stole from pnr .  I'm still alive. :D

The last time you kissed someone, were your hands around their neck?
A: Um... no.  My arms maybe, but not my hands.  I'm not into that.  :-)

( Cut for length... )

Not that I post a ton here, anyway, but all of my usual internet activity is undergoing an interruption at the moment. 

I've started seeing someone quite recently, and we really seem to like spending time together.

Hopefully, the internet can survive without me for a little while, until we get sick of each other. :D

In the mean time, I am at least trying to keep up on my reading.  

See you soon!

Since I last posted, I've gained some new LJ friends. Hi! *waves*

This, being my personal journal, is where I post rants, memes and stuff about me. I don't usually bother setting my posts to friends only, since I have a few friends who read this who are not LJ users, but every once in a while I do. I like comments, but I prefer to be able to identify the commenters, so if you're not logged in, please leave a name or something so I know who you are.

That said, here's a re-write of the post I tried to post at lunch yesterday, that disappeared into the ether.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other day I set, "Joni feels like maybe, possibly she might be emerging from the post-anxiety issues shell. Being shy is a huge pain in the a$$. It would be so nice to be over it. Also, YAY KICKBALL!" as my status on Facebook. As often happens, when I mention being shy, this status elicited a bit of skepticism on the part of some friends and started a lengthy (for facebook comments) conversation. It got me to thinking.

Only a few people know about my anxiety issues and the affect that had on me. Most of my other friends have a hard time believing this shyness business, and understandably so. Also, I don't mean shy in exactly the same way it's usually meant, but I don't have any other word to describe what I do mean.
( The rest is behind this cut, due to length... )

Well that sucked!

I spent my entire lunch hour writing this big, long post... and now it's gone.

Frak.

Well isn't that just depressing?

In a move that wasn't much of a surprise, but is disheartening anyway, the CA State Supreme Court upheld Prop 8 today in a 6 to 1 decision.  The one bright spot is that for those 18,000 or so same sex couples that were married prior to the ban, their marriages are allowed to stand.

I don't buy all this crap about the "will of the people".  It's the job of the government to protect minorities when the supposed will of the majority is to oppress them.  This is one of those times.

I don't see civil rights as a black people/white people issue, or a gay people/straight people issue.  It's a people issue.  PEOPLE deserve the same civil rights.  Full stop.   And it's the job of the government to insure and protect those rights, not take them away because a majority of people are bigots or idiots who are easily frightened by right-wing propaganda.

I has a sad. 

Happy Towel Day everybody!  And Happy Geek Pride/Nerd Pride Day! 

Do something nerdy today, and don't forget your towel!

I haven't posted in a loooong time, so when pnr tagged her entire f-list with this meme I thought, "What the hell?  I should post something sooner rather than later anyway."

Despite the meme rules (lol) stating that I'm supposed to tag 10 people, I'm not tagging anyone.  If you read this and you feel like doing the meme, go for it.  :D  If you read this and comment on the meme, please include your name so I know who the heck you are. 

Here we go:

1. What is one of the most embarrassing things that has ever happened to you?
Lame as it is, I honestly couldn't say.  I don't embarrass easily and when I do, I tend to get over it quickly and forget about it.  

2. What is one guilty pleasure that you indulge in?
Another tough one. I don't feel guilty about stuff.  I watch tv and movies that I know are bad, that I wouldn't inflict on other people, but I don't feel guilty about it.  I also don't feel guilty about reading fanfic. 

3. What was your favorite show as a child?
The Muppet Show.  Hands down, no question.

4. How much time a day do you spend on Facebook?
Too much, but less since the most recent supposed upgrade.

5. How old were you when you fell in love for the first time?
I'm not sure exactly, but it would have been late in my 15th or early in my 16th year.

6. Do you collect anything?
Do DVDs of Joss Whedon shows count?  I've got Buffy, Angel, Firefly, two editions of Serenity, Doctor Horrible and have already pre-ordered Dollhouse.

7. What is your favorite song?
"Just Like Heaven" by The Cure.  It's weird, actually. I have a hard time naming one favorite tv show, movie or book, but I can name a favorite song.

8. Have you ever written a sappy love poem?
I'm sure I have, during high school, but I don't actually recall.

9. How different is your adult life from what you imagined it to be at 16?
I believe I still thought I was going to be a teacher, and I know I thought I was going to spend my life with my (then) boyfriend.  Neither of those things happened.

10. If you could stay any age for the rest of your life, what would it be?
It depends on the consequences.  If I could continue to grow and learn and mature, I'd stay 27.  Not sure why, but I've always thought that would be a good age.  If I'd really get stuck there, mentally and emotionally rather than just physically, I'd rather not stay any age.  That would suck.

Last night's Dollhouse was my favorite yet.  Next week is Joss's fav, so I'm really excited.

Anybody else feel the same?  Differently?

I may have done this before... but I totally stole it from a friend on Facebook and decided to do it again.

I have a thing against doing memes on facebook. :D

Four names that people call me:
1. Joni (nearly everybody)
2. JoJo (my friend L)
3. Jo (family)
4. Mrrrraowwww?  (the cats)

Four movies I have watched more than once:
1. Serenity
2. Star Wars
3. Run Lola, Run
4. Princess Bride

Four places I have lived:
1. Missoula, MT
2. Butte, MT
3. Anaconda, MT
4. Wien, Oesterreich

Four places I have been (recently):
1. home
2. downtown Missoula
3. North Reserve area, Missoula
4. U of MT campus

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Sushi
2. buffalo
3. garlic dish with beef (from Sa Wad Dee)
4. cheese

Four places I'd rather be right now:
1. Ireland
2.Scotland
3. England
4. Wales 

Four things I am looking forward to this year:
1. Going to Butte on Monday for St. Urho's Day and St. Patrick's Day
2. spring
3. summer
4. falll

Four TV shows that I watch:
1. Dollhouse
2. BSG
3. NCIS
4. ...

I swear that when I first took this test this morning, I gave the same answers & came up Gloria Steinem.  I think this result is more entertaining, but the truth is that Gloria fits better.  :D



You are Kathleen Hanna! Poster child of the riot grrls, you've grown up a little in the last few years. You've brought rape, feminism, sexuality, and wymyn surviving hard shit into the mainstream through art, music, and spokenword. You're PUNKROCK! But, like, for real.

Take the Quiz

I still think Dollhouse is worth watching. There are so many negative reviews flying around the internet and it's kinda depressing.  I think that Dollhouse needs to be given a chance. There are so many shows that started off weak but ended up great.  Buffy or The X Files anyone?  I am going to give it a few more eps, in any case.

Besides, I found this episode to be enjoyable.  The primary story line wasn't all that great, but the sub plots were pretty interesting.

( Spoilers behind the cut )

I just watched the Buffy episode Primeval (Season 4, Episode 21). Spoiler warning for anybody who hasn't seen it!  Also Spoiler warning for Serenity the movie and Dollhouse episode 1 (minor).

( I don't know if a cut will help, but I'm trying just in case. )

It makes me even more curious to continue watching Dollhouse, now. 

Please go watch Dollhouse!  Watch it so Fox doesn't cancel it!  Apparently Fox is part owner of Hulu, so watching Dollhouse on Hulu is a good thing.

That is all.

If you and I have access to the same information, such as our bosses Outlook calendar (which everyone in the office can see); Why get up from your desk, walk all the way across the hall and ask me if she has meetings this afternoon?

Wouldn't it be easier to just look at the calendar?

*face palm*

Discovered at kradical 's page.

You Are FAIL

You love the internet, but it sometimes gets on your nerves. How can so much of humanity be so stupid? Wait, you don't even want to know. While there are some good aspects to being online, you can't help but notice there's so much fail. You liked the internet so much more in the good old days... before all the idiots found out about it!

I'm laughing because that last bit is SOOOO true!

kradical posted his favorite poem & suggested that the rest of us do the same

anyone lived in a pretty how town   by e. e. cummings

anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didn't he danced his did

Women and men(both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isn't they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed(but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow and stir by still
anyone's any was all to her

someones married their everyones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hope and then)they
said their nevers they slept their dream

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes.

Women and men(both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

Jay Smooth at Illdoctrine has wise words for us all, on this historic day.

"Why I'm Happy, Why I'm not Satisfied"

Warning: Minor Spoilers for Stargate: Atlantis follow! (I'm not bothering to cut because I'm pretty sure everybody who is going to see them has already seen them. And the one person who hasn't seen them reads this in a format that doesn't cut. Avert your eyes quickly if I'm wrong.)

I finally watched the last several eps of Stargate Atlantis and I'm a little sad. Sure, the show itself had suffered a lack of quality recently, which is partly why it took me so long to bother watching, especially after "The Inquisition" Seriously? They took the waaay overused plotline of our heroes on trial and turned in into an f'ing CLIP SHOW?!?

If it hadn't been for my love of the characters of Lt. Col. John Sheppard (as portrayed by Joe Flannigan) and Doctor Rodney McKay (as portrayed by David Hewlett), I wouldn't have bothered to watch those last few eps at all. But the thing is, as much as the show itself sometimes faltered, especially in season 5, John and Rodney are probably, no make that definetely two of my all time favorite tv characters.

Rodney is the socially awkward genius (smartest man in two galaxies!) who covers his insecurities with arrogance and bluster. He's acerbic and snarky and totally lovable. John is the military commander who isn't even sure what "the book" is, is way smarter than he pretends to be most of the time and totally gets Rodney, while most people can't be bothered to look past the bluster. They're a perfect pair and the show wouldn't have been anywhere near as good without them both. I'm really going to miss them.

Here's a couple farewell clips:

From S1, one of my favorites... Rodney is invulnerable.


From S3, John is sorry for shooting everyone.


And really, that's all I can find in the sea of John/Rodney fanvids, most of which are on the romantic side. :D

G'bye John & Rodney.

Disclaimer:  Yes, I've been thinking about feminist issues a lot lately. Deal with it.  :)

So, there's an article over at jezebel.com that talks about the whole "women and children first" in escaping disasters thing.  It's a super short article that ponders the issue within the context of Flight 1549 that crash-landed in the Hudson River yesterday.

The author makes a few good points, including the fact that it's a pretty huge deal that everybody lived to tell the story.  She also tells us (and I'm just assuming that she's correct because I'm too lazy to look it up) where the tradition originated, and points out that somebody has to go first, so having some sort of protocol is a good idea. 

What she doesn't do is offer any alternatives.  So I've been sitting here, pondering the issue, while drinking my cocktail. Here are my thoughts:

Yes, the whole idea of women first is sexist.  Just because we might want out of the plane first, doesn't actually make it right.  Equality is equality, not special privileges (or newish) to this world. They should be given a chance, in a disaster.  If only some people are going to survive, the kids should be a priority.  However, we can't just be sending the babies and toddlers out there on their own.  Somebody has to go with them.  Shouldn't that somebody be their parents or caregivers?

So should we change "women and children first" to "kids and their caregivers first"?  The gender of the caregiver shouldn't play into it.  If a 5 year old is there with his or her dad or even a non-parent cargiver like a nanny or an uncle, shouldn't the cargiver stay with the kid?  Not for the sake of the caregiver, but for the sake of the child.

This time it's the ladies over at jezebel.com who hit the nail on the head.

Sometimes dudes just don't get it.  Whether we've made the mistake of being "too friendly" or were just being polite, some guys are overly friendly towards us.  Often, the dude at the corner store.

They're not threatening.
They're not exactly creepy.
They're not vulgar or rude.
But they totally make us uncomfortable.

Here's a short & sweet piece about the issue, with a bit of an explanation of why.